Literary Agent Orson: Snakes Will Never Eat Apples

“One rat please,” Sharon said to the lady behind the counter.

“Yes, ma’am. Live or frozen?”

“Live, please.”

“Ewe. I mean, like, oh my God that’s disgusting,” Marshall said scrunching up her face. “It stinks in here. What are you doing with a live rat?”

“It’s for my snake.”

“Oh my God, like, that’s hideous! You’re feeding a live creature to a snake?! Gross!”

“Snake’s gotta eat.”

“Yuck.”

“Orson, come over here. What’d you think about his lecture?” Sharon asked as they waited at the counter. “I’m so jazzed.”

“Like, all my meals come from the corn field.” Marshall said. “I just read that book Omnivore’s Dilemma. Did ya’ll read it? I’m a vegan.”

“I thought his lecture was good,” Orson answered. “I couldn’t help noticing a little irony attending a lecture on global warming in the middle of the coldest winter on record. Timing could’ve been a little better. Did you see the icicles hanging from the eves? One nearly speared you right through your skull on the walk over here.”

“Don’t you get it? This frigid weather is caused by global warming. I got some great information for my article for Scorched Earth Magazine. April issue, right, Orson?" he nodded. "We must make the conspicuous consumers stop now. Why must they have those big vehicles? Big homes? Odd, aren't they? I love my Prius, and so will they. It’s up to us to change their behavior by any means. Shame and guilt are a good start. Don’t you agree, Orson?” Sharon was excited.

“I mean, like, everything we eat’s full of corn. Your snake should eat corn, not a living animal. I mean, this is rat abuse, pure and simple. Like, I’m gonna talk to my friend Jenna at PETA about this. There's probably some splattered paint in your future. Why can’t your snake be trained to eat an apple? Why do you even have a snake? It’s weird.” Marshall said.

“Information from Al Gore is a tad dubious,” said the lady with the rat in its small box. “Invented the internet, really? Fifty thousand square foot house, and private jets to fly him everywhere, and yet he must tell us what to drive? His facts aren’t actually facts. And don't you think global warming would cause more heat, not more icicles?”

The three instinctively moved closer together and stared.

“Al Gore is the most outstanding visionary of our times,” Orson said, turning to Sharon “You’re right: They are weird, and we must make them change. The sooner the better. Get that article to me quickly. We might make the March issue.”

The clerk’s smile was inscrutable.

“You sanction a snake eating a living creature? Shame on you. I hope you like fire-hydrant yellow. Jenna and her girls are gonna have a field day with you. Like, there will be protests, placards and a march. We'll make a scene. Rat abuse won't be tolerated.” Marshall said to Sharon. "We might burn things."

“Marshall, would you SHUT UP! Snakes will never eat apples,” Sharon yelled. “Snakes are beneficial creatures. Without them, the planet would be over-run with rats. This is the way of the world, but you don’t understand how the world works do you? You fail to have all the facts, and yet you want to change my behavior. You even judge me, and tell me what pet I should have.

God what unbelievably ignorant HUBRIS!”